My thoughts on motherhood after attending the InfertileAF Summit; what I gained and what I learned to let go of

It’s been a few weeks since the InfertileAF Summit and I’ve finally processed what I experienced and felt able to put into words what my heart’s been feeling. 

Prior to April 27, 2019 I held on to this notion that I was less of a mom. Because I didn’t go through IVF, FET, experience a loss or a natural pregnancy, I didn’t put in the “hard” work. 

My path to motherhood didn’t include 2 pink lines, a dark room with an ultrasound wand landing on a heartbeat, the excitement of a gender reveal or a hospital stay filled with joy and tearful congratulations from loved ones. 

My journey to motherhood wasn’t measured in trimesters, rather trying times, not set up in neat, 90 days increments. My legs weren’t up in stirrups, ready for labor and open for the world to see, but my heart sure was.

Rather my path included a social worker, a huge leap of (expensive) faith, an in-depth study of our home, finances, values and health. A thick stack of paperwork, 2 attorneys, a plane ticket, unforgettable time spent with a brave auburn-haired young woman, a 12 hour labor that ended with 3 strong pushes and a cry from a beautiful baby girl that brought the rest of the room to tears, too.

Saying goodbye to the bravest woman we had ever met put a 3rd degree tear in my heart- one that couldn’t be repaired with simple sutures and is still slowly healing. 

Sitting knee to knee with 140+ amazingly strong women while listening earnestly to 7 incredible speakers tell the story of their unique triumphs left me with a different perspective. 

Infertility isn’t just a disease, it’s also a feeling. It’s sadness, jealousy, isolation, fear. It steals dreams and happiness. Infertility made it self strong enough to put cracks in my once rock-solid marriage. For me, it became so heavy that I couldn’t bear to carry it to events like baby showers so I sat alone at home.

I thought the only way to beat infertility was to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. At least that's what the Pampers commercials lead you to believe. 

I longed to use the hashtag #IBeatInfertility. My happiness depended on that. Or did it?

On April 27, I let go of the previous notion that I was less of a mom because I carried Anneliese in my heart instead of my uterus. Motherhood is more than a positive pregnancy test. I came to the realization that I didn’t need to carry a baby in my belly to beat infertility. The very end of Lindsay’s speech resonated with me. She said we’ve all endured hard things on our journey to motherhood. Enough is enough, HARD IS HARD and it’s time to lift each other up rather than compare which only manifests competition. I reflected on my incredible journey- I navigated a special relationship with an expectant mom, spent 3 weeks away from home in an unfamiliar city continuing to build a connection with her all while tucking away memories for Anneliese and our family to reflect on one day. With zero experience as a labor coach, I held her hand through every contraction, every fear and tear all while praying and wishing I could take even a fraction of the physical pain for her well knowing the emotional pain would hurt long after the labor pains subsided. 

I did so many hard things (the least of which included needles) in the process of chasing my dream of motherhood. With Anneliese in my arms, I no longer feel sad, jealous or isolated. I am complete. It all makes sense why I had to fight so hard to become a mom. I’ll never get over how our lives came together and we became a family. I beat infertility in my own way. The InfertileAF Summit and all those that shared in that day gave me permission to let go of so much hurt and for that I am forever grateful.

Our two pink lines

September 8, 2017 started out like a typical morning; I was getting ready for work and Jon was at Dunkin' Donuts picking me up an iced coffee. It was about 8:15 and in between confirming my schedule, checking work emails and making my lunch, I noticed a red 2 in the upper corner of my telephone icon. Although I'm not great about checking my voicemail in a timely manner (a very bad habit) I did find it odd that I was unaware of a missed call. When I clicked on the icon it brought me to my voicemail transcript with a number from Crystal Lake, IL- our adoption agency. I was only able to get through the first few lines before I dropped to my knees in disbelief.

I remember pacing and screaming for a full 2 minutes before making the decision to call Jon who was more than likely on his way home. When he picked up the phone (in the middle of Dunkin' Donuts) I shouted "come home RIGHT NOW" I couldn't get much else out, just those words on repeat. Jon was terrified that something had happened to Bronson or that someone had broken into the house. I did have a moment of just enough clarity to say "Angel called" and a rattled Jonathan quickly arrived home to an apologetic me to listen to the entire voicemail together. By this time it was around 8:30am and Angel wasn't open until 9am central time. Needless to say it was a very l o n g hour and a half. We finally spoke with Samatha who gave us some basic information- expectant mother's name (will refer to her as S) age, location (Georgia) health of the baby (perfect) due date (November 22) NOVEMBER 22! That was less than two and a half months away! Samantha told us that one of the reasons S was interested in our profile was because of our mutual love of animals- especially bulldogs! S was hoping her child would grow up in a home with pets. Samantha also informed us that S requested to talk with us through text message so we could get a chance to know one another better. 

After work, I raced home so Jon and I could text S. We thought how do you even begin a conversation like this? We nervously sent out a message thanking her so much for reaching out to Angel, for viewing our profile and that we were very excited to talk with her. About an hour later we heard a ding and it was S! She, too was excited to learn more about us. We shared stories about our families, hobbies, her schooling, and what led us to adoption. At that point we wrapped up the conversation for the night so S could catch a movie with friends (ironically Jon was at the same movie) and agreed to talk more the next day. 

The next afternoon, our conversation flowed effortlessly but Jon and I were cautiously optimistic. This was considered a connection, and not yet an official match. At around 5pm Jon and I realized we hadn't eaten anything all day and ventured out to the grocery store. Our emotions were running high and we found ourselves mindlessly wandering around Hannaford when I text message came across my screen. S told us she had previously spoken with other families but never felt they were the right fit. She went on to say that Jon and I were the type of couple she had prayed for to raise her baby and asked if we wanted to officially make it a match. We couldn't get out the words "YES" fast enough as tears streamed down our faces in the stir-fry line. Although we had many hurdles to overcome, in the moment we were overjoyed to think this was the closest we had ever been to potentially being parents. S told us the gender (girl! yay for pink and bows!) and that she was growing right on track which was most important. We couldn't stop saying we were so happy and S also felt the same way. She went on to say she knew in her heart this baby was meant to bring a couple so much joy. S shared a few ultrasound pictures with us and we couldn't stop staring at that perfect profile. Jon called Angel first thing on Monday to let them know the news and figure out the next steps. 

Naturally, the very first person we told was Bronson. We hugged and kissed him and thanked him for being one of the driving forces behind this match. Pinky swear he was much more excited that this picture lets on 😉

We were beyond excited to share with our parents all that had transpired in the last 48 hours. 5 years of disappointments, pain and too many no's to even count, led us up to a point we had only dreamed of. We finally had our version of "two pink lines" and carried that joy with us each day while still guarding our hearts. Our parents were over the moon with happiness as we shared the good news to the rest of our families and close friends. Everyone held us, S and baby girl in their thoughts and prayers and we were so appreciative and continue to be so of that. 

We remained in contact with S though September and October and formed a strong bond.  Jon and I booked our flight to Georgia for November 19th to allow for a few days to spend with S before the due date. In true, unpredictable baby-like fashion, we received an update from S on November 6th that caused us to quickly pack our bags, kiss our first born baby boy Bronny goodbye and reschedule our flight to Atlanta to November 8th. We couldn't be 100% certain at the time, but our lives would change in the most amazing and beautiful way 3 weeks later. Story to be continued... 

A letter to my future child on the eve of Mother's Day

For the last 4 years, I've had a heavy heart on Mother's Day. Don't get me wrong, I love to celebrate my beautiful mom and all the other beautiful moms in my life. But it's not an easy day for anyone touched by infertility and/or loss. Months of failed cycles turned into years and with every Mother's Day that passed with empty arms, I began to lose hope. When was it going to be my turn? Most years I shut myself off from social media to protect my heart as it was a difficult place to be when you long for the one thing that seems like everyone has but you.

But this Mother's Day is different. Adoption has brought a renewed hope. Before adoption, I questioned if I'd ever be a mother. Now, it's not a matter of if, but when. Adoption has brought with it different set of emotions, but optimism is at the forefront. I hope and pray next Mother's Day I'll be writing an entirely different post, but until then, I will remain patient. 

I took a minute today to reflect on how things have changed in a year and that served as my inspiration for this letter. To all those who continue to faithfully wait your turn, know that you aren't alone. You are in my thoughts this weekend and your time IS coming. 

A letter to my future child

It's difficult to put into words the amount of love I feel for someone I haven't physically met yet. Truth is, I feel like I already know you. I see you in every hope, dream and wish I've made for the last 4 1/2 years. I see us playing in the backyard, baking together in the kitchen and snuggling up watching movies in the rec room. I see your papa holding you proudly and Bronson kissing your nose. You've been growing in my heart since 2013 and the love I have for you is overwhelming. You are pretty special, that's for sure! Not every child can say they are 4+ years in the making.

There aren't many promises a mother can keep to her child but know there are a few I can wholeheartedly follow through on. I promise to love you unconditionally. I promise to pray for your every single day and will do everything I can to keep you healthy and safe. I will never let a day pass without telling you I love you. You are so incredibly wanted by your papa and me and will always be our most cherished gift.

It's been a very emotional journey and I won't take one minute of our time together for granted (even those late nights that lead to early mornings!) One day I will share everything that it took to get you here. And know I would do it a million times over again if that's what it took for us to be together. 

All my love,

Mom xxoo

A long overdue update!

Oh my goodness it's been almost 2 month since our last update. Sorry to keep you all hanging :)

In mid-March, Child and Family services sent us a letter informing us that we were officially home studied approved! That means that all forms were submitted, all of the background checks were completed and our social worker finalized our biography that was sent off to our adoption agency. Jon and I (and Bronson!) are now considered a "waiting family" which means we are cleared to be matched with a birthmother/birth family at any moment. So now the waiting begins.

Angel received our finalized home study at the end of March and made our profile public around the beginning of April! It was really exciting to see our family's story on their web page with all the other waiting families. Click here to see Our profile

They even made it facebook official! I'll also share the post on our facebook page (Funding Baby Fiore)

This journey has not been easy, but with each passing milestone, we are one step closer to achieving our dreams. Many have reached out to Jon or me to see how things are progressing with the adoption. A few have expressed concern that it would upset us or stress us out- that couldn't be further from the truth! You reaching out means you are thinking of us and our journey and that means the world to Jon and me. Your support and kind words have gotten us this far and we can truly feel every good thoughts and prayer coming our way.

We can't do an update without a picture of the progress on our fundraiser. We so thankful and couldn't be more appreciative of all the support. Bronson says he's very excited to be a big brother!

Lastly, I could not close out this update without mentioning something. Today marks the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week. Even though we are done with treatments, infertility will always be a part of us and we are forever changed by our experiences. This week of advocacy and hope will always hold a special place in our hearts. Any readers who continue to fight the battle against infertility- you have our support and prayers always.

With love,
Karen and Jon

Hello, March!

March is here and all things adoption related are moving along! Our final home study visit was last week. Our social worker updated us on the things they are waiting on- FBI clearance for both of us and my Massachusetts CORI check. Once those things are in, she will have the complete home study written up to present to us for our approval. Once we approve it, they will send it to Angel Adoption and we will be what is considered as "home study approved" There were so many steps and processes we had to get through to get to this point and now that we are in the home stretch, it's becoming more real!

Speaking of becoming more real- our adoption agency has put together our profile!!!!! We worked really hard gathering pictures, participating in a photo shoot (thanks Erin, Olivia and Melanie!) and putting together little stories about us and our family, a thank you letter to birth mothers, etc so to see it all in print was very exciting and surreal. This is happening! Angel will immediately be presenting our profile to birth moms and once we are home studied approved, our profile will become public and we will be able to share it with all of you!

As each day passes we are getting closer to our dreams of becoming parents. We can't thank everyone enough for the positive thoughts, prayers and donations. There is still time to donate if you would like! Contributions can be made via PayPal or we can provide you with our address if writing a check is your preference (email us at fundingbabyf@gmail.com)

Here is an updated picture of our puzzle! thanks again for your generosity

With love,
Karen and Jon

What led us to adoption 

We have been trying to conceive since January 2013. 4 years of invasive testing, early morning blood draws, 2 surgeries, oral medications that led to injectables for 6 rounds of infertility procedures left us exactly where we were in Jan 2013- without a baby and way less hopeful.  The kind of heartbreak you feel after seeing "not pregnant" on a test month after month is something I don't wish on my worst enemy.

We've been praying for a child for 48 months.

I came home one afternoon, sat next to my husband and something hit me like a ton of bricks; we spent 4 years trying everything we could to get pregnant but in the process lost sight of our main desire: to love a child.  That's where our dream of adoption came to life. 

Our fundraiser

Unfortunately we didn't have any insurance coverage for infertility treatments and paid completely out of pocket. Not only did we endure disappointment, but our funds quickly dwindled to pay for these treatments.  Our family was more than gracious to help us out financially to start the adoption process. Next up is legal fees and travel expenses (including air fair to fly out to get our baby and lodging/food while we spend the 1-2 weeks in their birth state until we are cleared to leave). All proceeds of the fundraiser will go directly to help defray the cost of legal fees and travel expenses.

The theme of our fundraiser is "help us find our missing piece" We've purchased a blank puzzle with each piece worth $30. When someone "buys" a piece or pieces, we plan to write their name on the
piece(s) When the puzzle is complete, we will frame it and hang it in the nursery. Every time we look at it, we'll be reminded of those who helped us complete our family.   

How to contribute

There is a button (you need to click on "view web version to see it) to link you directly to our PayPal account where you can "buy" any amount of pieces you chose (in $30 increments). We are working on a Venmo option and will keep you updated when that is added.  If you would like to contribute via personal check please e-mail us at FundingBabyF@gmail.com and we'll provide you with a mailing address.

Our thanks

Many of you have been with us on this up and down journey from the start-we can't thank you enough for your love and support. Many are just learning about our journey- welcome and thank you for reading. If your heart leads you to decide to make a contribution to our fundraiser, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We plan to teach our child(ren) about all who helped our family. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but in our case it also takes a village to get them here. Thank you in advance to all who are a part of our "village"

With love, 

Karen and Jon 

The adoption seminar and a puzzle update!

On Saturday, Jon and I attended an all day adoption preparation seminar in Manchester. It is a requirement for our home study. Some of the themes included attachment, development, children in care, grief and loss. It was very informative! We also got to connect with other couples who are in various stages of their adoption process. They seminar ended with a reading of "The Mulberry Bird: An Adoption Story" It was a beautiful story and we plan to add it to our child's library.

Next up is part two of our home study. We mailed out our pictures and personal excerpts to Angel Adoption so they can start to put together our profile! Once our home study is completed, our profile will become public and sent to birth moms/birth families. So exciting!


The puzzle is coming along! We continue to be blown away by the support of our family and friends We can not thank those enough who have donated, prayed for us/baby Fiore and followed along on our journey.  There is no doubt we will have one very loved baby!

There is still time to help us find our missing piece! We have a PayPal link to donate electronically, or if you prefer to send a check, email us at FundingBabyF@gmail.com for our address. Thanks again for all your support.

With love,
Karen and Jon